8:00:30: “DADDY I A ROCK AND ROLLER!” Lily runs up to me with a Rock Band guitar on, performs a sort of dance. Being a modern father, I document this with my camcorder.
8:02: “MILK PLEASE! MILK PLEASE! MILK PLEASE! MILK PLEASE! MILK PLEASE!”
8:03: After giving her milk, she asks for a banana. We are out of bananas.
8:04: Seriously. No bananas. Offers of an orange and toast are spurned.
8:05: Crying about bananas subsides. I start listening to the speech.
8:08: “We will remove our combat brigades from Iraq by the end of next summer, and all of our troops by the end of 2011.“ Awesome. There would be a ! after that if it were 2010, but I’ll have to take it.
8:09: Lily comes up to me. Looks strange. I open her mouth. Inside is my Bluetooth earpiece. I take it out, put it in my pocket.
8:10: “PINK BINKY! PINK BINKY! PINK BINKY! PINK PINKY!”
8:11: I locate the pink binky, give it to her. Obama says he owes the soldiers a clear plan. I agree. I just happen to think that continuing the mistakes of the past eight years on a greater scale, while a clear plan, isn’t a good plan.
8:12: Lily gives me a bottle of water.
8:13: Lily gives me a bottle of water.
8:14: Lily begins stacking bottles of water onto her Barbie lunchbox.
8:19: I want Obama to pull a Farley and start screaming “I WANT HOLYFIELD! I WANT HOLYFIELD!” Not entirely a joke. I get why people are calling him Mr. Spock. Show some sort of flipping emotion. He sounds like he’s giving a PowerPoint presentation, except it’s the sort where people die.
8:23: “We are joined by a broad coalition of 43 nations that recognizes the legitimacy of our action.“ OBAMA JUST CHANNELED BUSH! THIS IS A COALITION OF 43 NATIONS??!! THEN HOW COME IT’S ONLY AMERICANS GETTING KILLED??!! THAT’S LIKE SAYING THAT EVERYONE IN DIDDY’S POSSE IS A TALENTED MUSICIAN! Wait, bad analogy. THAT’S LIKE SAYING THAT ALL OF LED ZEPPELIN’S GROUPIES WERE TALENTED MUSICIANS! WHAT. THE. EFF.
8:24: Lily is reading Goldilocks in a very emphatic manner.
8:28: Holy shit, is that guy sleeping? Yep! Bad move, Cadet.
8:29: Tools of Mass Destruction? Because you can’t build a house without… PLUTONIUM!
8:29:30: Sounds weird for me so say this, but I’m getting pretty tired of hearing Obama bitch about the Bush Administration. Move on, sir. You’re almost done your first year. Bush is back in Texas, snorting coke off of a hooker’s gazongas for all we know. He’s not in charge anymore. You are.
8:32: Obama’s laying on the magic, and these Cadets and soldiers and people not in uniforms are looking like they’re at a really, really boring Econ 101 class.
8:33: He said something that made them clap. I missed it. Lily had something else in her mouth.
8:34: Oh man, he pulled out asunder. You’re on primetime TV, Mr. President. Tone down the two-dollar words. People have two choices tonight at 8pm: you, and The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause on ABC Family. Don’t make them switch.
8:35: “As one nation. As one people.” He sounds like Matisyahu. That’s not a bad thing. But I’d suggest keeping with the shaven face. Fox News would go even more than their regularly scheduled bonkers if he grew a beard. Just imagine that.
8:36: Speech over. I see someone who doesn’t have a camera in their hands. No, wait, they’re taking it out. NOW this is a well documented event.
8:37: Olbermann is asking Maddow about the speech. I wonder if Chuck Norris is on Fox. Lily gives me her milk and I put it next to me.
8:37:15: Lily cuts off Chris Matthews, screaming for her milk while shoving a box of Reduced Fat Wheat Thins in my face. Time for her to go to bed. Time for me to turn the TV off.
9:10: Begin watching “The Man With The Golden Gun” from the DVR.
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