Live Blogging Obama's West Point Speech

8:00: Speech begins.

8:00:30: “DADDY I A ROCK AND ROLLER!” Lily runs up to me with a Rock Band guitar on, performs a sort of dance. Being a modern father, I document this with my camcorder.

8:02: “MILK PLEASE! MILK PLEASE! MILK PLEASE! MILK PLEASE! MILK PLEASE!”

8:03: After giving her milk, she asks for a banana. We are out of bananas.

8:04: Seriously. No bananas. Offers of an orange and toast are spurned.

8:05: Crying about bananas subsides. I start listening to the speech.

8:08: “We will remove our combat brigades from Iraq by the end of next summer, and all of our troops by the end of 2011.“ Awesome. There would be a ! after that if it were 2010, but I’ll have to take it.

8:09: Lily comes up to me. Looks strange. I open her mouth. Inside is my Bluetooth earpiece. I take it out, put it in my pocket.

8:10: “PINK BINKY! PINK BINKY! PINK BINKY! PINK PINKY!”

8:11: I locate the pink binky, give it to her. Obama says he owes the soldiers a clear plan. I agree. I just happen to think that continuing the mistakes of the past eight years on a greater scale, while a clear plan, isn’t a good plan.

8:12: Lily gives me a bottle of water.

8:13: Lily gives me a bottle of water.

8:14: Lily begins stacking bottles of water onto her Barbie lunchbox.

8:19: I want Obama to pull a Farley and start screaming “I WANT HOLYFIELD! I WANT HOLYFIELD!” Not entirely a joke. I get why people are calling him Mr. Spock. Show some sort of flipping emotion. He sounds like he’s giving a PowerPoint presentation, except it’s the sort where people die.

8:23: “We are joined by a broad coalition of 43 nations that recognizes the legitimacy of our action.“ OBAMA JUST CHANNELED BUSH! THIS IS A COALITION OF 43 NATIONS??!! THEN HOW COME IT’S ONLY AMERICANS GETTING KILLED??!! THAT’S LIKE SAYING THAT EVERYONE IN DIDDY’S POSSE IS A TALENTED MUSICIAN! Wait, bad analogy. THAT’S LIKE SAYING THAT ALL OF LED ZEPPELIN’S GROUPIES WERE TALENTED MUSICIANS! WHAT. THE. EFF.

8:24: Lily is reading Goldilocks in a very emphatic manner.

8:28: Holy shit, is that guy sleeping? Yep! Bad move, Cadet.

8:29: Tools of Mass Destruction? Because you can’t build a house without… PLUTONIUM!

8:29:30: Sounds weird for me so say this, but I’m getting pretty tired of hearing Obama bitch about the Bush Administration. Move on, sir. You’re almost done your first year. Bush is back in Texas, snorting coke off of a hooker’s gazongas for all we know. He’s not in charge anymore. You are.

8:32: Obama’s laying on the magic, and these Cadets and soldiers and people not in uniforms are looking like they’re at a really, really boring Econ 101 class.

8:33: He said something that made them clap. I missed it. Lily had something else in her mouth.

8:34: Oh man, he pulled out asunder. You’re on primetime TV, Mr. President. Tone down the two-dollar words. People have two choices tonight at 8pm: you, and The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause on ABC Family. Don’t make them switch.

8:35: “As one nation. As one people.” He sounds like Matisyahu. That’s not a bad thing. But I’d suggest keeping with the shaven face. Fox News would go even more than their regularly scheduled bonkers if he grew a beard. Just imagine that.

8:36: Speech over. I see someone who doesn’t have a camera in their hands. No, wait, they’re taking it out. NOW this is a well documented event.

8:37: Olbermann is asking Maddow about the speech. I wonder if Chuck Norris is on Fox. Lily gives me her milk and I put it next to me.

8:37:15: Lily cuts off Chris Matthews, screaming for her milk while shoving a box of Reduced Fat Wheat Thins in my face. Time for her to go to bed. Time for me to turn the TV off.

9:10: Begin watching “The Man With The Golden Gun” from the DVR.

Our glorious leader, President Barack HUSSEIN OBAMA WILL KILL US ALL!!@$!!~! Or maybe not.

There’s been a lot of screaming and yelling and fighting and mass emailing and pontificating about health care lately. On one side of the argument is the belief that the gentle, loving, generous Democrats will bestow upon all of us health care for all, which will make us all live healthy lives to a good age, at which point we will quickly die without pain. It will cost less than health care costs now, it won’t interfere with current coverage if you have it, and if you don’t have coverage then you’ll finally be covered, like under a freshly laundered comfy-dumfy blanket. On the other side of the argument is the belief that the Communist Crusaders are going to turn hospitals into gulags, where decent, hard-working white folk will be lined up and euthanized by gangs of dark goons straight out of Birth Of A Nation. And speaking of births and our nation, have you heard the one about where Obama was born?

I’m a Libertarian, but a moderate one. Like, I enjoy driving on a road that I haven’t had to build myself. And I like libraries. But I’d prefer if we didn’t get into wars like in Vietnam and Iraq and the one on Drugs. And while I wear a seatbelt religiously and keep my daughter snug and safe in her car seat, I think the Click It Or Ticket program is a ridiculous waste of government money and police resources. Because I'm a Libertarian, I'm supposed to immediately reject any government involvement in health care. But I'd also like my taxes (too many as they are) to do some good, for once, so I have chosen to listen and research and think longer than five seconds on the issue.

Every week I pay $85.99 out of my paycheck for pretty wonderful health insurance. The total cost of my wife giving birth was almost $10,000, but all I had to pay was a $500 co-pay and that was that. My only other real medical issue is that I have a thickened mitral valve in my heart, which sometimes gives me chest pains, dizziness/faintness, and all that good stuff. I met with a cardiologist, got an ultrasound before and after running on a treadmill, and was told that it’s actually pretty common but that I should keep an eye on it, as it can eventually lead to blood going the wrong way in my heart and, uh, you know, death. All my visits and tests dealing with my heart put me back a total of $20. So in summation, and in conclusion, I’d like to keep my health insurance the way it is, because it’s worth the $4471.48 a year.

Now, I don’t know how much of this or this is true or sensationalist misinterpretation, but the consistency in some of the criticism of the bill has given me the motivation to actually download the text and start reading (warning: it's a big PDF), which I think should be required for any politician who is going to be voting for it OR against it. It’s one thing to read the headlines and cherry pick and bitch and accuse and namecall, and it’s another thing to actually wade through the 1,017 pages and see just how it’ll affect me, my wife, and my kids. I should be done by September.

Jesus, I sound old. And now, to cleanse the palate: